I dont know if Im struggling with the definition of forgiveness (which is why I prefer a working definition as theres room for development) or if its the how. I am glad that you seem to understand whats going on, I hope you can use your knowledge much more cleverly than I did. I am struggling with breaking no contact to let him know that I am aware that he was dishonest and may have been cheating. Of course, they object when you point it out. I want to be a grown up too but, dang, your inner little girl is fun!!! I also have a revenge fantasy of accepting his invitation and allowing him to seduce me one last time so I can leave him naked and stranded while I deliver his clothes and personal effects to his wife, LOL!!! But it took that, and a revelation of a year old affair that he confessed to that finally made me step away.But I did it with emails seeking validation to which he replied saying sorry, but did not stop keeping in touch and hanging out everyday with 2 of my friends, one of them a woman. If you have a parent, friend, *someone* in your life that feels perpetually disappointed in you and maybe even feels entitled to make their feelings and issues your problem, its okay to say no to this malarkey.Dont forget that my book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want is out now. I know this may be hard to read, all I can say is that from my own past experience when I was young (you sound quite young but I am making an assumption) when I felt overwhelmed with emotional pain I sometimes acted out from a place of fear, confusion and unwillingness to feel the pain of rejection. Youve already been supportive to me and I really appreciate it from you and all the others. Why? holding a grudge = still being angry and bitter about the wrong someone did to you forgive but not forget = move on. My grandmother whom I was very close to died recently. This is drama and will go nowhere! Meditation really helps you to learn to be in the present moment and enjoy it. Im not sure I forgive by socio path father yet. You need to handle this with as much clarity and dignity as you can muster, and you know whats best. I used to watch his house so that I would know when he went out, or who visited. Hold a grudge definition: If you have or bear a grudge against someone, you have unfriendly feelings towards them. A single copy of these materials may be reprinted for noncommercial personal use only. The 68th time, I learnt this is just going to keep happening. For example, Ive begun to pray for my enemies, including childhood abusers. Ready If you had a proper relationship and he was basically a good egg i might say go ahead and have a talk. He saw my face when he said this and then he laughed and said I cant help it, Im an ass, and laughed again. I hope these help. Perfect explanation Sparkle! AC promptly said he would do what he can, but did nothing just invited my friends over to more lunches and dinners.. keep All my friends getting sweet messages/gifts every other day from him, and I feel like he is trying to win them over. 176 0 obj <>/Filter/FlateDecode/ID[<66743374E283F54183115A33AB330900><03634C9BC5421046A3029327F7E9D2ED>]/Index[156 30]/Info 155 0 R/Length 100/Prev 163381/Root 157 0 R/Size 186/Type/XRef/W[1 3 1]>>stream Holding a grudge likely doesn't make you feel any better about what transpired, but sometimes it just happens. grudge noun. This of course prompts me to ask WTF and he tells me my friend and their son moved out in Sept. MY goal now is to toughen up and understand that I have my own needs they are completely VALID and that I deserve to have them met either by myself or in the relationships I have at whatever level. Lizzie, sad to say, but i am anything but young, in fact I am quite old. It's so ingrained, it feels like the right thing to do. Sometimes, forgiveness might even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. He has since ended things with gf, though he continues to be friends with her, and is trying to reconcile our friendship. Across, the hall, down the street, around the corner is just too close for comfort. The technical storage or access is necessary for the legitimate purpose of storing preferences that are not requested by the subscriber or user. Maybe they made fun of your favorite outfit, (metaphorically) threw you under the bus at work, or bullied you at school. document.getElementById( "ak_js_2" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); document.getElementById( "ak_js_3" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Sign up for our newsletter and receive our top articles Thank-you all 4 your replies. Seriously, I know I just have to continue my resumed NC as that is the adult way to demonstrate my values and boundaries. Thanks everyone for your really helpful advice. It would be great if his knowing that fact would change his heart, but it doesnt. They dont even know why they do what they do but keep far far away from this toxic narc. I think Ive been too polite and nice with all this. Grudges and boundaries often appear similar, but they are in fact quite different. Accessed Nov. 2, 2022. Grudges are a form of punishment. Jeez! Thanks for being patient with me! Youve only got a limited amount of control over those you can choose which waves to ride (thanks, BR meme!) I believe his overtures to get together and willingness to have a conversation are just another attempt to hit the reset button as I allowed him to do after varying lengths of attempted NC in the past. He is no idiot, otherwise I would not need to give him a second thought. I feel right about not replying to him. My feeling is that it really doesnt matter what race, color, or creed we are. Martinez-Diaz P, et al. In the end, when we continue to go back, the hardest thing will actually be to stop bearing a grudge against ourselves. If youre a survivor of abuse or trauma, the concept of forgiveness can be a complex topic to discuss. You shouldnt have to put yourself through the extra pain of knowing hes with his ex (or not). Sometimes the person you need to say no to is *yourself*. He keeps telling me that all these women texting him think hes an ass and laughs about it again. It is not acceptable that people can grow and learn from mistakes. It is hard to imagine being free and clear someday. I still feel Ive done the right thing, and I am relieved, but in other ways I dont know that Ill ever be really free of him. Done! I accepted that I have always been different to this group of people (and I can say that nothing has changed given the connections to old school chums through Facebook). my mother has a massive part in enormous damage there too. I was totally mesmerized. American Psychological Association. Ever since then I never got involved with anyone who lived too close to me. I realized after I posted my comment that, while trying to keep the off-topic meanderings to a minimum, I left out some thoughts that might clarify what I meant. My thing now is, I feel I have to leave this relationship but I dont want to do anything to him that I would not want done to me. Why is it I always worry about hurting other peoples feelings and not my own. Its not a joke. In my experience, knowing what makes them tick and knowing theyre mentally ill and cant help it makes the whole thing more comprehensible (though certainly not less painful). Sure, arent you making a meal out of this whole thing? Vindication? The problem isnt dating a neighbour, its the stalking. Ive never in my life had a problem being undecided or being able to keep a friendly distance with someone who I dont have much feelings for. This is the test to see if you're really holding a grudge. It can help free you from the control of the person who harmed you. My point is that we have instincts we must follow whether it is about the guy or about our ability to be within the relationship or both. Dear Grace, Sparkle, courtney, Kit-Kat, Elgie R., and Mymble. It would be easy to put myself under a load of pressure to try to do All The Things in the name of book promo, but my body said no to hoeing myself out. If you find yourself stuck: If the hurtful event involved someone whose relationship you value, forgiveness may lead to reconciliation. Your explanations about why something is inconvenient, or abusive, goes in one ear and out the other. Check out these best-sellers and special offers on books and newsletters from Mayo Clinic Press. exceedingly fortunate I do NOT suffer mental illness. So you do. I at first could not believe what was happening and thought something must be terribly wrong with me if I feel possessive/territorial about my friends. We cant please everyone but the Lord sees my heart so Im good with it ! Having to go somewhat underground, watching my back, getting legal involved and emotionally bottoming out. I told her she was already forgiven but that I still was leaving and wouldnt stay as a guest of someone who thinks that them being annoyed means they can slap me. Please trust yourself. Good people should allow a person to have as many chances as they ask for' and when our typical mode is people pleaser who worries too much about what everyone else thinks and silences their true self to follow 'shoulds' laid down by the inner critic, we go against ourselves. This time. Advertising revenue supports our not-for-profit mission. Great that you saw the light and are moving onwards and upwards! A hustler respects the process and knows what it really takes to achieve the seemingly impossible, while grinders often hate because they don't understand how to similarly master the game. It's understandable. Even small hurts may need to be revisited and forgiven again and again. %%EOF Flush this man from your life. In other cases, reconciliation might not be appropriate. Im due to see him at another social event this week and Ive decided to tell him in no uncertain terms that Im not OK with pretending to people that were friends and that hes superficial and shallow- and a coward for not having the gumption to tell me that hed moved on. This is just what I needed to read today, so thank you so much, Natalie. This for my own sake. can not afford to buy the book please contact Nicholas and he will give you a free copy.) But he was so so charming, funny, intelligent, etc. It made me feel weak and pathetic. Those . Its such desperate and insecure behavior (which I dont find sexually appealing at all) that Ive tended to step back and observe it almost scientifically. I could at times become quite narcissistic,using (ie disregarding/not considering) others feelings and disregarding the effect of my actions on them emotionally. Maybe they say i love you, 5xs a day, instead of once a week. Thats a good sign for me. I felt a strong attraction to him from day one mentally and physically and its hard to forget about it even though hes been saying these offensive things. Write in a journal, pray or use guided meditation. He came over to chat like an old friend and I introduced him to my friend. We can gradually learn to let go of the hurt, anger and resentment, and hold on to the positive insights we have the opportunity to gain each time. And dont feel guilty about it. I have told all my friends that I wanted to hear none of it, and would not be able to participate in common friendships- since I dont see him as my friend. All of the progressromancebeautymagic was gone when he decided to undo everything by taking some heavy-duty drugs, and denying same while tremors beset his face and hands, and while perseverating while rocking in his seat.
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